Friday, June 12, 2015

What do I Need?

I am stripping my life to the bare minimum.  What must I have to be happy?  What in my life do I use?  What do I love?  Where do I spend my time?  What do I do that I resent or only do out of obligation.  What gives me joy?  How do I wish to spend the limited time I have been given?  How much of my life is arranged because "that's how it's supposed to be" and not because that is how I really want it.

Perhaps it seems strange that someone who lives in a 488 square foot home feels she has too much.  But I do.  I find that WeeHavyn, once a shelter from the world, has become a burden.  She keeps me in one place, I worry about her when I leave.  The lawn needs mowed, the flower beds watered, the kiwi vines pruned.  I often go to St. Louis with my boyfriend, Tony, and I find I am pulled in two directions while I am there. While I love the rampant green and stately oaks of Missouri, I do miss my family in Wyoming.  But I am tied here and a month's visit is not feasible.  Yet a week there just isn't long enough.

So what do I really need to be content?  What do I miss when I leave home?  After thinking long and hard and probing my feelings, I find that I want my own comfortable bed, a familiar kitchen with all my favorite spices and utensils, and the privacy of my own bathroom.  That's it.  The lawn, the stuff, the home maintenance is something I simply do because I have to.

Leaving WeeHavyn is a big step and I don't want to take it lightly.  Yet I cannot be afraid.  I cannot ignore what I actually what for what others tell me I should.  I will not pour my precious life into something that isn't really important to me.  My life has been changed from the outside by brute force many times and I've always been thankful afterward.

Might I not be as thankful for a change I have chosen?

2 comments:

  1. I am going through a similar time in my life.I always look forward to your posts. How they have helped me,have given me insight,have sharpened my focus.I so enjoy your blog up here in Lincoln,Missouri!

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  2. :-)
    As humans we tend to think that we are intelligent enough to forsee the future by making the best decisions. Then this unseen force comes through and disrupts everything lol. I lived 42 years in the city (phila pa) and extreme circumstances forced us to make a decision to move. I was so angry and bitter at first, not being able to forsee the future like I thought- but then, I realized, moving to the gulf coast of Mississippi was what all that heartache was for. My life has changed dramatically since being here, and we too are on the process of becoming self sustaining, having 2 acres of lovely property here. We raise 5 chickens also (no goats-yet) and kept a small garden last year. This year I am adding a medicinal herb garden. I think we do best, when following intuition and heart, and when something seemingly "bad" comes along, take it in stride and ride the storm. There may be a purpose, we simply can't forsee. Great blog!

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